Are you lying on your couch, trying to relax, and there’s nothing on your to-do list? However, instead of feeling calm or relaxed, your heart is pounding, and your shoulders are stiff. You’ve tried every anxiety-reducing method, like deep breathing exercises, listening to soft music, and telling your mind to stop worrying. Still, it hasn’t made any difference. In fact, the more you try to relax, the more stressed you feel. In short, every time you try to relax, it becomes a source of stress.
If so, you are not alone; this happens to many people every day. It doesn’t mean you’re bad. There’s a real reason: Your mind wants to protect you.
Typically, people with anxiety have overactive brains, so they work very hard to protect themselves most of the time. They remain alert even when nothing bad is happening, and their brains operate in a hypervigilant state at all times. Think of it this way:
- The human brain is like a 24/7 security guard in an environment with no real danger.
- It constantly monitors unwanted events that could occur.
- It believes that relaxing correlates with danger.
- It insists that being overprotective protects you.
Dr. Michelle Newman of Penn State University researched 96 college students with various health problems. She found that those with anxiety disorders were more sensitive to the effects of sudden emotional changes. For them, a new stressful situation that required the mind to relax was more frightening than constant stress.
Therefore, advising someone with anxiety to “just relax” can often worsen the problem. Their brain interprets relaxation as dangerous because it might mean they’re in for a surprise later.
For example, someone who grew up in an unsafe neighborhood may not feel safe even in a safe environment. Instead of relaxing and enjoying their time, they check locks or look out the window. This is because their brain has learned that being alert always keeps them safe.
Why does this happen?
For someone suffering from anxiety, a quiet moment becomes crucial for understanding themselves and thus, experiencing excessive anxiety. These thoughts constantly run through their minds:
- “If I don’t worry, something bad will happen.”
- “I have to be prepared when a problem arises.”
- “Relaxation is a sign that I’m not careful enough.”
- “What if I forgot something very important?”
This kind of worrying addiction can trap a person in a cycle. They overthink even when nothing bad has happened, so they conclude that their overworked mind has saved them. This leads to even more anxiety the next time.
The Problem of “Waiting Mode”
Some people with anxiety are constantly in “waiting mode”. This happens every time they have to do something later in the day. This is a practical study based on students’ lives (by Penn State University):
- Specifically, runners: One person runs 30 miles every week to combat anxiety. Yet, they can’t stay calm. They’re always restless, and their legs are constantly pounding.
- Appointment stress: Another person wakes up at 8 AM. Their doctor’s appointment is at 1 PM. For the remaining five hours, they have nothing to do but worry about the appointment.
- Even small tasks seem overwhelming: The mere thought of making a phone call or getting a haircut can completely exhaust them.
In short, their mind is focused on that one task, leaving them unable to enjoy anything else until it is completed.
The mind-body connection
Anxiety isn’t just limited to the mind. The whole body is actively involved:
- Stomach pain, bloating, digestive discomfort
- Stiff muscles
- Faster heartbeats
- Breathing differently
This is because the gut (a.k.a the “second brain”) contains many neurons that directly communicate with the brain. When you are anxious, your gut sends some false alarms to your brain (e.g., you feel nausea or bloating) that your brain will interpret as another sign of danger, which will make you feel worse and make your body feel “wired” even when you are in a safe environment.
Why are you so hyperalert in the first place?
So, why did you develop this hypervigilant state in the first place? There are probably a few reasons, but here are some common ones:
- You grew up with controlling or unpredictable parents, in a home with a lot of conflict, or in a neighborhood where there was a lot of violence. This taught your brain that you can never let your guard down and need to be constantly on the lookout for danger in order to stay safe.
- You experienced traumatic events (e.g., bullying, the loss of a parent, a natural disaster). This may have taught your brain that the world is a dangerous place and you can never feel safe.
- You have an undiagnosed condition such as ADHD or OCD. Sometimes conditions like ADHD or OCD can worsen your brain’s sensitivity to threat and make it prone to getting stuck in negative thought patterns.
All of these experiences and more can contribute to a state where your brain has learned to tell itself, “I can never relax because I never know when the other shoe will drop.” Even if the original reasons for this are long gone, your brain may still be programmed to be constantly on the lookout for danger. The original threat may have passed, but the alarm system remains.
How to start breaking this pattern?
Some strategies you may find helpful:
- Observe your fears:
Set a timer and simply observe what happens inside you. Don’t force yourself to breathe differently or think positively. Just let things be and see what happens.
- Prepare for small tasks:
If small things bother you, you can prepare for those events. Write down everything you want to say. Gather your files, papers, or tickets. Pack snacks. You’re all set for the next mission: making time for boredom instead of fear.
- Determine worry time:
Set an alarm for worry time (like before bed, or after work or college). Until the alarm goes off, notice any worries you have and write them down. You’ll notice that these unnecessary thoughts are unnecessarily bothering you.
- Pay attention to your patterns:
Pay attention and track the worries that frequently attack you. For example:
- Do they happen at the same time every day?
- Are they about the same thing every time?
These signs will give you a plan. Start small. Try just sitting quietly for two minutes. Don’t even try to relax or calm down. Just feel the discomfort without taking any action to resolve the situation.
- Small steps toward a better life:
- Countdown: For example, if you have a doctor’s appointment in the evening, set a timer and alarm to relax and get ready for the appointment. Do other things until it goes off.
- Ice wash: Splash cold water on your face. This way, you reset your nervous system.
- Adopt a healthy lifestyle: For long-term goals, try to eat 3 meals a day, be physically active for 30 minutes (e.g., mindful walking, meditation, tai chi, etc.), practice good sleep hygiene, and connect with supportive people.
- Seek professional help:
Sometimes problems become too big to solve alone, and that’s okay. A mental health professional, such as a board-certified psychiatrist, can help you figure out what’s disrupting your balance (or find an underlying health condition) and help you learn strategies that work best for you. You can also connect and book an appointment with an online psychiatrist from the comfort of your own home.
Note that it is a must to seek professional help if:
- Anxiety prevents you from doing activities you previously enjoyed.
- You feel anxious most days for several weeks.
- You avoid things or activities that trigger anxiety.
- Sleep problems worsen
- You suppress your emotions with alcohol or other drugs
Anxiety is a treatable condition. Anxiety treatment plans at GABA Telepsychiatry include talk therapy (such as supportive therapy for anxiety, CBT, EMDR, and psychodynamic therapy), medication, addressing any nutritional deficiencies, and lifestyle changes. Treatment plans vary from person to person. Talk therapy helps train the brain to work positively. Medication helps reduce anxiety levels so one can work on new coping strategies.
Remember that seeking therapy isn’t a sign of weakness. Anxiety is a medical condition, just like diabetes, blood pressure, or hormonal imbalance issues like PCOS.
The Takeaway
Anxiety often makes people feel unsure about their safety. They suspect they are a common addict. However, the truth is that their nervous system is functioning exactly as it was designed. It’s not about fear or anxiety. It’s primarily about the habit of reacting to situations, about fighting the natural processes that, if left untreated, can worsen anxiety. With the right help, one can find a way to retrain and relax.
Keep in mind that people with anxiety aren’t broken. They don’t need fixing. They simply need to be taught and trained to break the habits that are leading them to self-destruct.